When people hear I’m a death doula, they have a million questions. I love it! I want everyone to feel more comfortable being curious about death and end-of-life planning. Remember, planning is for everyone, not just the elderly. These are confusing and often complicated topics filled with all sorts of emotions and family dynamics. Educating yourself is a great way to feel more prepared for the future.
Frequently Asked Questions, Answered by a Death Expert
When is an appropriate age to start talking to my child about death, and what is a recommended way to go about it?
Children will naturally start getting curious at an early age. As they go off to school, they will hear stories from other kids, or something will happen at home such as the death of a grandparent or a pet. Every family and circumstance is different, but my suggestion is always to be honest and clear when answering their questions. Children can take things very literally, and so it is important to choose your words carefully and not use euphemisms when it comes to death. If you say ‘they are sleeping peacefully and won’t be waking up’, your child may start to worry that if they go to sleep, they may not wake up. It takes practice to use direct language when we want to soften or not scare a child.
Don’t worry about always getting it right, the idea is just to treat death as a natural part of life. You can point out things like when leaves fall from a tree and die, it is a natural end of one cycle and the beginning of a new one. It’s also ok and encouraged to show your emotions and cry in front of your kids. By showing it's safe to show your emotions, they will feel more comfortable doing the same. Here’s a good article to get you started.
If anything were to happen to me, I’m most concerned about my child’s emotional well-being. What should I do?
This is a parent’s greatest fear and completely understandable. It’s important to have a plan in place so that their day-to-day lives and sense of stability remain intact. Along with establishing a legal guardian to step in to offer love and emotional support, I suggest creating a document with your wishes on how you would hope to comfort your child. This can include having their guardian reach out to teachers at school or parents of their friends they are particularly close with to understand the situation and provide extra comfort and understanding. Professional help, such as a grief counselor, art therapist or sending them to a grief camp are all ways in which their emotional wellbeing can be monitored and supported.
We can’t control the unexpected, but the most important thing you can do is set your child up to be supported by the rest of your family or chosen family, and your community at large. It takes a village, and if you ask for help, the village will show up.
What are some ways I can ensure my child will have good morals and ethics if they are raised by a guardian instead of me?
There are a few ways that you can continue to instill your values into your children, even if you’re not there. First, you get to choose a legal guardian you trust to raise your children in a safe and loving environment. It’s important to have a conversation with this person about your morals and values to make sure you’re both aligned in what you hope to pass on. Second, if possible, to keep your children in the area they’re raised, they can continue to be surrounded by a community you feel will support them as they grow. Remaining close to family or friends you believe will be influential on your child’s moral compass can be an excellent way for them to stay grounded and centered. Lastly, you can also leave an ethical will, which is an informal document sharing your words of wisdom to pass along to your loved ones. This can include letters to each child with your hopes and wishes for them, valuable lessons you’ve learned throughout your life, and what you’re more proud of. These are all great ways to pass on knowledge and love that will guide them as they grow.
The very idea of passing away before my child reaches adulthood gives me massive anxiety. Do you have any tips on how I can cope?
You’re definitely not alone in feeling this way. I think it’s really important to normalize that death can bring up fears and anxiety because it is something we can’t control and it will affect those you love the most. My suggestion is to sit with these feelings, to not push them aside. If that means seeking a therapist or someone like a death doula to work through some of those feelings, that’s a great option. The more we acknowledge and accept what causes us fear, the less weight it has over us. All we can do is live the fullest, most beautiful life now. When we allow ourselves to understand that we may not always be here, it gives us the freedom to live in the present and to show up for our children the way we want to. You may not be able to control the future, but you can give your children love and all of your support now. Planning for the future, both legally and financially, is also a way to ease some of that anxiety. When you know you’ve done what you can to make sure your children will be taken care of, the anxiety will lesson. Planning gives you control of what you can, even in the face of the unexpected.
“Just-In-Case” Protection: Nominate a Guardian for your Child
There are many reasons why a parent could procrastinate on something as critical as estate planning. Oftentimes, it can come from paralysis when it comes to thinking about something happening and leaving your child in the care of another person. However, you might be pleasantly surprised at the amount of peace and confidence finally getting that plan in place can bring you! Trust & Will’s Will and Trust-based plans both include options to nominate guardian(s) for your child or children. Don’t delay this critical step of being a parent, to ensure all of the ultimate protections are in place should anything happen.
At Trust & Will, we’re here to help keep things simple. You can create a fully customizable, state-specific estate plan from the comfort of your own home in just 20 minutes. Take our free quiz to see where you should get started, or compare our different estate planning and settlement options today!
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