“Ojiichan just passed away.” It was early morning, January 29, 2025, when I received the single-lined text message from my mother. My ojiichan (a Japanese term of endearment for ‘grandfather’) had passed away while in hospice care. He had a wonderful life and was loved by many, and we were mentally prepared for his passing for quite some time.
After a short phone call, I was faced with a split-minute decision: can I get myself and my daughter to Japan in time for the funeral? While the idea of getting on an international flight with my two-year-old made me want to dig my own grave (pun intended), I knew I wouldn’t miss it.
In the following hours I packed our bags, drove down to LAX, and got on the earliest possible flight to Tokyo. Twelve grueling hours later, we were on a bullet train speeding toward our family home located just a few hours outside of Tokyo.
It was on this train ride that I finally had a chance to collect my thoughts. When was the last time I attended a funeral in Japan? (Years and years ago.) Did I pack the right attire? (No, I did not.) Can I do the incense offering without messing it up? (I would, but only with the help of my mom chiding me with whispered instructions.)
Why all the anxious thoughts? Japanese funeral traditions are deeply rooted in centuries-old tradition. It involves many rituals and layers, designed to guide families through loss with meaning and reverence. There are many steps and rules to follow, and I didn’t want to mess any of it up.
Whether you’re preparing to attend a Japanese funeral yourself, or are simply seeking to understand another culture, I hope this guide offers insights into a powerful way of saying goodbye to a loved one.
The Foundation of Japanese Funeral Traditions
The funeral process begins with a wake, called the otsuya. It’s typically held either in the deceased’s home or place of death, such as the hospital or hospice facility.
The following day, the formal funeral ceremony (sōshiki). In my grandfather’s case, the funeral was held in a funeral home, the ceremony facilitated efficiently by professionals. Family and friends gathered here to pay their respects and offer condolence money (okōden) that will help pay for funeral expenses. Later that evening, I would find my aunt sifting through a gift catalogue to select thank-you gifts for those who provided okōden, an example of a Japanese custom I never quite understood: the never-ending cycle of gift-exchanging.
The funeral itself includes Buddhist chants led by monks, incense offerings, and the presentation of a posthumous name (kaimyō), believed to help protect the spirit in the afterlife. These spiritual elements are central to Japanese Buddhist funeral traditions, which emphasize the soul’s peaceful transition to the next realm.
While it’s nearly impossible to understand the Buddhist mantras, the atmosphere was charged with a spiritual energy that I found powerful yet calming. However, don’t let yourself fall completely into a lull–the monks will intermittently bang very loudly on drums and woodblocks.
Toward the end of the ceremony, funeral attendees stood in line, taking turns to provide an incense offering to my grandfather. This is a ritual that is meant to purify your surroundings and to also help guide your loved one’s soul on their journey into the afterlife. When it became my turn, I panicked a little. Japanese customs are extremely particular. There is an order to everything, including which hand to use, in what way, how many times to bow your head, etc. Luckily, my mother was in the seat next to the procession and coached me through the process.
What to Wear: Japanese Funeral Dress Etiquette
Let’s take a moment to discuss what you’re supposed to wear to a Japanese funeral, as there are strict rules around this as well. What you wear to a funeral is an expression of respect and cultural understanding. Japanese funeral attire (mofuku) is strictly formal and conservative:
Men should wear a black suit with a white shirt and a black tie, as well as black loafers.
Women typically wear a black kimono, a black dress, or suit. (The latter options must always be worn with a black blazer.) The only acceptable jewelry are pearls and/or wedding rings with minimal makeup. If you are wearing a skirt, you are expected to wear black tights. Flat, closed-toed shoes with no embellishments are the required footwear.
Not packing the right things, I found myself wearing borrowed slacks and a suffocatingly-tight blazer. I highly recommend coming prepared, as a Japanese funeral is a marathon event and you’ll want to be comfortable.
Funeral Flowers: A Quiet Gesture of Respect
At the end of the funeral ceremony came the part that I was not prepared for: decorating my grandfather’s casket with the funeral flowers.
Until this day, I had successfully avoided any open casket situation, and I wasn’t prepared for my grandfather to be my first. I couldn’t help but notice how small he looked, not like the grand hero I looked up to my whole life. He nearly looked skeletal, his skin so taught and smooth, as though he had a nice round of botox.
Luckily, the ritual of decorating his casket with the funeral flowers brought some much-needed comedic relief. We were to take all of the cut flowers and take turns arranging them around his body, one by one.
My cousins and I arranged a kawaii flower crown around my grandfather’s head, and I jokingly suggested that we place a flower between his lips so he could enter the afterlife dancing flamenco.
One of the most touching realizations was how loved my grandfather was. So many people from his life had sent in bouquets, meaning we had an egregious amount of flowers to arrange around his body—much more than the norm. The end result was inappropriately hilarious given the context. However, I was immensely grateful for this ritual. I was initially freaked out by the idea of touching a dead boy so intimately, but ultimately found the process to be the most healing.
Japanese funeral traditions include flowers that reflect simplicity, reverence, and symbolism. White is the predominant color—representing purity and mourning. Common flower choices include:
White chrysanthemums – The most iconic Japanese funeral flower, often arranged in large, solemn displays.
Lilies and orchids – Chosen for their elegance and quiet beauty.
It’s important to note that flower arrangements for funerals in Japan differ from Western styles. Bouquets should avoid bright colors, and arrangements are typically sent directly to the funeral hall (ōkodenbana) or placed near the altar.
If you're sending flowers, work with a local florist familiar with Japanese funeral traditions flowers to ensure your gesture is culturally appropriate and respectful.
Cremation and the Kotsuage Ritual
Nearly all funerals in Japan involve cremation, a practice that aligns with Shinto-Buddhist traditions. While Japan is increasingly secular, many customs remain deeply rooted in these traditions.
Every family I know, including my own, typically has a shared family grave and tombstone called a hakaiwa. It is within these ohaka that the ashes of our loved ones ultimately find their resting place. I always found it comforting to think that our loved ones and ancestors rest together, never alone.
After the ceremony, the body is cremated, often on the same day.
We boarded a bus that took us to the local crematorium, where we said our final goodbyes to my grandfather in his bodily form. Then, we were ushered into a private break room, where we waited nearly two hours for the cremation process.
Next came the kotsuage. This is a ritual where we use ceremonial chopsticks to transfer the remaining bones into an urn. The chopsticks are mismatching (such as in length or type of wood) to symbolize the separation between the world of the living and the world of the dead. This symbolic act begins with the feet and ends with the head, ensuring the remains rest upright.
This was the step that I found most fascinating, but also where I was the most emotionally detached. To me, it was so hard to internalize the fact that the man I loved, one we just spent an hour bedazzling with flowers, was reduced to brittle bones and ashes in just moments.
The Butsudan: Honoring Loved Ones at Home
In many Japanese homes, remembrance doesn’t end at the cemetery—it lives on daily through the butsudan, a small Buddhist altar kept in the family home. These altars are a core part of Japanese Buddhist funeral traditions, serving as a sacred space to honor deceased family members and ancestors.
A typical butsudan holds:
A photograph or tablet inscribed with the deceased’s name (ihai)
Incense, candles, and flowers
Offerings such as rice, tea, or seasonal fruit
Family members may pray at the altar daily or during special occasions, such as memorial anniversaries or Obon, the summer festival that welcomes ancestral spirits back home. (Which I find to be very similar to dia de los muertos.)
Lighting incense, offering food, or simply pausing for reflection helps maintain a personal and spiritual bond with loved ones who have passed. The butsudan is more than a ritual—it's a reminder that even after death, family remains part of the daily fabric of life.
In the days following the funeral, I found it comforting to be able to sit in front of the altar and pray. It was my favorite way of talking to my ojiichan in private, and reflecting on our shared moments.
Hilariously, my toddler made a game out of stealing the snacks that we provided as offerings to my grandfather’s altar. This was a beautiful reminder that the circle of life continues, and that his great-granddaughter had found her own special way of interacting with him in the afterlife.
Mourning Period and Memorial Services
Following the funeral, the mourning period—called mochū—typically lasts 49 days. During this time, families may refrain from celebrations and host weekly memorials. This period honors the soul’s journey, allowing the spirit to settle into the afterlife.
Some families divide the ashes among relatives in a practice known as bunkotsu, while others enshrine them in a family grave. Annual memorial services (hōji) continue the remembrance, especially on significant anniversaries and during Obon.
East Meets West: Comparing Funeral and Mourning Traditions
While death is a universal experience, the way we honor it can look remarkably different across cultures. Japanese funeral traditions emphasize ritual, continuity, and spiritual connection—particularly through Buddhism. In contrast, Western practices, particularly in the U.S., often focus more on closure and individual expression.
Key Differences:
Cremation vs. Burial: In Japan, cremation is nearly universal. In the U.S. and other Western cultures, burial has long been the norm—though cremation is becoming more common.
Length of Mourning: Japanese mourning can extend 49 days or more, with continued ancestor veneration. Western mourning is typically shorter and less structured, often limited to a funeral and perhaps a memorial.
Family Altar vs. Gravestone Visits: Many Japanese families keep a butsudan at home to honor deceased relatives daily. Western cultures usually memorialize loved ones at cemeteries, with visits more occasional.
Dress and Conduct: In Japan, funeral attire is strictly formal—black suits, minimal accessories, and muted emotion. Western services can vary widely, with growing emphasis on “celebrations of life,” where brighter clothing and storytelling are welcomed.
Spiritual Beliefs: Japanese Buddhist funeral traditions focus on reincarnation and guiding the soul peacefully into the next life. Western funerals often reflect Judeo-Christian beliefs in heaven and eternal rest.
The Power of Ritual and Remembrance
Across each stage—wake, cremation, mourning—Japanese funeral traditions are steeped in meaning. For me, these meanings are now deeply personal. These customs not only support grieving families but help preserve the legacy of the person who has passed.
While I’m still processing everything I observed, what I did gain was an immersive experience that truly helped me process my grandfather’s death. Of course I have moments of sadness and grief, but overall I am so grateful that I could take part in his grand sendoff. My advice? Lean into your emotions, and none of them are inappropriate or strange. If you have the opportunity to face discomfort if it means being able to say goodbye to a loved one, take it. Not everyone gets this chance. If you have made it this far, thank you for following along as I shared my experiences.
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